Selfish

I have this bag you know with all of my “problems” all of the things I carry and right now it’s too heavy it’s so heavy I put it down often and rest on it for days getting swapped up by them. You say it’s selfish that I won’t date right now because I bring a lot to the table but what you don’t know realize is how heavy my bag. It’s so heavy I can’t add your “problems” in here. I take a deep breathe and pick up where I left off… I keep going.

Portland

I keep thinking what if I die. And maybe I fear that bc that’s like the ultimate thing you can’t beat. Everything else you can prob recover from but death that’s when it really is too late.

I know I have nothing to be afraid of- everything can go the way I want it to go if I am going to be afraid then I’ll keep seeing things that’ll make me afraid if I want to be joyful then joyful things will come. I am excited about my trip but I also keep thinking what if I die. Then what happens to Chant? And could I have avoided dying had I decided to stay home? Decided never to go drinking that one day that lead to the decision of buying a ticket that lead to this moment. Every decision we make is influencing our every move no? Does that mean we ultimately decide our death? Idk I get a little death dramatic when I am going to board a plane.. except the time I jumped out of one.

Mistakes

I think what I have to learn is that I am allowed to make mistakes. I don’t have to be perfect but the perfectionist inside me of says to me -you have to perfect or else you not worthy of love. You see, this isn’t about being accepted by others. it’s about accepting myself that is hard some days. It’s almost as if I only love myself on the days I go to yoga, on the days I drink the green juice and the days I do the journaling but oh man on the days I don’t, my head is not a nice place to me. Let alone on the days I make mistakes. On the days I missed the deadline or had too much to drink. I go on a shame spiral. “You’re the worst” is my weapon of choice. It isn’t specific enough to deny but it’s broad enough to not feel like she’s lying.

There is no middle ground right now. I am either perfect or I am the worst

I have to remember I am allowed mistakes. I am allowed

The homework this week is to be nice to myself. Bc she really is just trying. And I have to give her credit for that.

I remember about seven years ago I was at home crying on my grandmas lap and she was playing with my hair, my mom came in and asked me why I was crying I looked up and in between tears managed to say because he broke up with me. He was the love of my life. She looked at me and said stop crying, you’ll really get your heart broken when your dad dies. And Just like that I stopped crying. Mainly bc I was in shock that she would say that. My dad by this time had been diagnosed with cancer for a year now and I hadn’t thought about the fact that my mom was facing the fact that at some point maybe soon she was going to lose the love of her life. Her partner. Her pillar. The person who she shared 36 wonderful years with. It wasn’t the best way for her to tell me to stop crying but it was the only way she could scream out that she was hurting. Now seven years later I have healed that piece of the broken heart… and I often wonder if she has

The letter I’ll maybe one day send

Hi

Country reminds me of you. And every time I listen to it , it puts my back in that place. The excitement at the airport before you picked me up, the excitement during the drive to your house recapping our latest stories while secretly trying to rip our clothes off. You were my favorite person to fall in love with, it was easy and it was fast and it was big. I cannot thank you enough for the endless hours of support and endless laughs and cries. You are magic, you’re presence is magic. And I am lucky that even for a little while our souls intertwined even though I know it’ll always be endless.

Courage

I watched a video the other day on 10 or 13 things you should do before you die and it was sky diving and bungee jumping and sky gliding you know all these things that involve courage or insanity or maybe a little bit of both. I started to think how many times I’ve seen lists like that, top 10 places to see before you die, or top 10 foods to eat before you die. I began to wonder where was the list that encouraged to call your dad who you haven’t talked to in five years to tell him you love him, the list that encourages people to feel- top 10 feelings to feel before you die and maybe the list should be called top 10 feelings to express before you die. Idk I just think feelings are important and if you love someone or you’re upset at someone or you want to marry someone or maybe you have wanted to cry for 10 years but someone told you it was bad to cry. I think those are important to express. My favorite movie quote is “You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.” So if for whatever reason you need permission to allow yourself to feel a feeling before you die this is your permission to feel all the feelings, have the courage to feel and go after what you want, I love you. Enjoy the heart shaped cloud.

Hey dad guess what? I’m having a difficult time being lately. I really miss you. Last week I wanted to tell you hey dad guess what! I got a new car and I went on the most amazing date and mom, Alex and I had the cutest dinner and I am so happy and grateful and in awe that this is my life but this week… this week has just been tough and I can’t shake it.it’s gotten really bad and I’m going to take meds again. It’s time. I’m tired, I am scared, I am mentally exhausted, my body is all kinds of upset with me and I am learning the value of being healthy. I want to make it dad, I really do. But I feel like I lost a lot of hope. To all my friends helping me through this I really appreciate you. I cannot express my gratitude enough.

Pressure

Sometimes I wonder if all this pressure I feel is pressure I’ve put on myself to be the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend and the perfect friend. Lately I’ve felt like I’ve been spread thin and even on the days when I can finally have a me day I’m too tired to do a yoga class, take a bath or anything that requires effort. But where is this coming from? My mom doesn’t effect me to be the best, she just asks to show up. I often wonder how can I show up for her or anyone really if I can’t even show up for myself. My cup has been feeling hella empty lately and I was exhausted and tired of not being good enough.. I keep asking myself where does this pressure come from? thankfully the last few days have made me feel better, things that made is easier and softer are yin yoga, dog videos, sharing what I’ve learned through yoga, my life coach (shout out to @tt_1love) idk how I would have made the last few months without you. Also shout out to my friends bc fuck it’s been hard.

If you stick it through it will be worth it in the end

If you stick through it, it will be worth it in the end. Those are thoughts that came to me in the morning about someone dating me. The story I was trying to convince of them was If they stick it out I promise you all of the panic attacks and all of the anxiety will be worth it in the end bc I promise you when I am not in the reds I am a really fun person and then I heard those words again “if you stick through it, it will be worth it in the end” and I realized I was talking to myself. It was the advice I needed to keep going to get through the thick of things I feel like I am in day 2 just like Brené Brown describes day 2 is like being in the mud trying to get out, day 2 of a 3 day retreat where the emotional stuff happens where the heroine is trying to figure out how to save the world, if you stick it through it will be worth it. Feel your feelings, cry,sob, laugh and know Marcela you’re wonderful always not just after your panic attack, not after you’re done having anxiety. You’re allowed to be wonderful always. #notestoself